teller without penn.the action in precision

so i'm listening to penn, the quieter part of penn and teller.

and i'm typing a note in email. i type exACTly. you know, to emphaize the voice inflection when you REALLY mean what the hell it is you're saying.

ex act ly.

eghz a c t lee.

you know, like that.

and well, the spellcheck decided that i din't mean what i typed and h o w i typed it. so the spellcheck


decided


to
correct me.

yeah.


and well, i gave the machine a mental mutherfucker - you know, all thought and no breath. like that. and i retyped


e


x


A


C



T


l


y


and it stayed. this time.

so what i realize is that there is action in precision. e-x-a-c-t-l-y. it's so decisive. so er-er-er angular and yet so...straight at the same time.

anyway, penn was telling me a story (i'm still befuddled by the irony), helping me to discover the instruction, the audible melody, usually hidden so often and so softly in silence.

so i was discovering also the action in exactly. and listening from the kitchen, i was discovoring a teensy tinesy spider on the parchment paper right next to a dark chocolate covered coffee bean (sidetrack #1: through a series of unfortunate and necessary steps a few days ago i ended up at a / the neighborhood coffee joint. and i'm talkin to peter the proprietor while i got one gigantic thingie of water in one arm and a bag filled with a torpedo-sized thingie in the other (obviously a loaf of bread.) anyway, peter's like, so can i getcha anything? and i'm like...uh...can't say i'm really hungry or thirsty thereaaaah pete. so i bought an ounce of................yes, dark chocolate covered coffee beans.

i thought i'd hate them and could give them all away. a little suprise for the next coupla people i'd meet. and all for a buck. ! >;D

anyway, i didn't hate them.

obviously. i was in the kitchen discovering wild kingdom on my countertop after handdipping a bunch of beans i found in my freezer... 'member?
end of sidetrack#1)

so i'm seeing the little mutha and i'm thinking, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeere oh where did you just step huh?

and i'm thinking

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...!

cuz i really wanna just throw out all the chocolate for having little buggy feet (paws? claws? ?) all over it.

but then.

i remembered how there's so much poison/cure boon/bane love/hate lovely/ugly seemingly irrational matings of pro and con going on. with the seed, the future and past, fruit/sin desire/dowfall keep your friends close but your enemies closer. you get me? the mirror. the opposite pole. the ying/yang, the ... you get it...

and i realize the funny thing here is not just that i look like i love lucy's lucille ball when she was in the chocolate factory at the assembly line (cuz you gotta know, i was only mad at that little spiderfuck because i wanted to shovel all those little develish choco-pellets lathered in luscious daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark choooooooooooooooooooocolate), is that i realized that in an instant in my head the tricky mysterious creepy possibly poisonous dirty disgusting tinyspidey was changed into a frolicksome bouncy ... pet.

because i wanted the chocolate more than i was willing to be disgusted.

dingdoingplingplonghy spider or no, i was going to live in spectacular denial.

(beginning of sidetrack #2) and i realized that the same antics i pull and reason that my friends should forgive me anyway for are the same things thant send me stammering and pouting when they do their own versions.

and that i do all kinds of stuff that i 'forget' are part of my personality. justifications. make em. immaturity. got it. power maneuverings. do em. cold wars. been known to practice em. as a matter of fact, i'm living the vestiges of a 'you!you!you! yelling match right now. of course, i reason, i'm not the only one at fault and there's only so much you can do. but it's hard to listen when someone wants to beat you up and not discuss his/her own failure to communicate. and while i yell across the ravine i feel my insides shake and fold into themselves for protection. and now i wait, uncomfortable, for the discussion to rise out of the rubble.

the epiphany isn't so rare. we just, i think, miss them all the time. (end of sidetrack #2)

i also discovered in the middle of the situation i was having with the mini monster in my ketchen and my gluttonous appetite for the beans he loped and peed and laid all kinds of eggs all over, that i got bumped from meeting a friend tonight.

in the middle of her harrangued kinda stressed explanation of why she was blowing me off, i realized


b i n g

i'm gettin dumped.

and for a second i don't know what she said. i was hearing blah blah blah blah and my mind was set-stuck like the fist face you see when someone really really has her/his mind made up and you are truly really deeply pissing him/her off by continuing to be alive considering yr present state of being so wrong.

and well, i paid attention to the stress in her voice and realized she wasn't trying to get rid of me so much as apologize while getting rid of me.

and hey, things come up.

as a matter of fact, i had absolutely no leg to stand on b/c YESterday i did the SAME damn thing to a friend of mine.


so.


i put my stones down.


and i said, hey, grace, s'okay. find a nice gift and jus gimme a call when you find the time before i split. she could hear my smile and her harrycarry story slowed and she said okay and the words were wearing a dress. a red dress. i could see her again, her big beautiful brown hair growing browner, and her kewpie doll eyes glistening with health and her marilyn monroe/sandra dee smile.

ok stace. great. i'm really really sorry.

and i realized right then that not only is it way cooler to live ratcheted down to first or second gear when i don't undertand or am taking offence to a situation, but it also feels nicer. it smooths itself out around the edges naturally.

slowing down is good in times of indecision.
that's what i learned.

i also learned that i just might still pull an i love lucy mouthful. and i just might OFFER you one too.