Thursday, March 17, 2005

actually

i leave tomorrah for a lil visit to the blue-haired state of florida. r&r before more readin and writin. last time i was in florida was spring break when i was what? 18 i think. and before that my dad dragged me to disney world...(world, right? the one in kississimmee). i've always hated mickey mouse.

maybe this time'll be diffrnt.

anyway, it's a near-4-day break from the usual grind.

can't wait to catch me some-o-dat....

Monday, March 14, 2005

ahm leavin...on a jet plane...

don't know when i'll be back again...
oh babe, i hate to gooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO...

welp. looks like i'm leavin detroit.

crazy.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

true

She leans forward and she kisses me. Though it is the same as before, it isnt't the same at all. It is more, stronger, weaker, deeper, quieter, louder. It is more, vulnerable, impenetrable, fragile, secure, unprotected, completely protected. It is more, open, deeper, full, simpler, true. It is more. True.
She pulls away her lips pull away.

--james frey, a million little pieces, p. 190

Friday, March 11, 2005

softnesses

aging is a wild thing. in my aging process, my father's become smarter and lovelier, my lover has become stronger, my sense of myself has deepened. i think the wild-eyed depression between 29 and 30 has, for the most part folded inside itself.

i'm softening a bit. like my friend christine says of me when i drink, it "takes the edges off." i like it, this aging me.

don't get me wrong, i'm still not friends with the softening muscles, but i think that has more to do with my attention going to books and ideas than to a daily running regimen. all things in good time.

like now. i gotta change the sheets. it's time to hop into them with my vin.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

gettin hot

nothing more than just peeking in while the shower water gets hot....

Monday, March 07, 2005

sleeping pill

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall abooooooooooooooooooooooOoOOOOOOOOOARD!

last stop before bed--actually, before another reading assignment.

can i cry yet?

i'm soooooooooo tired and cranky and sick of the cold. all the snow melted -- only to be replaced by icicle wind. and that presentation--that presentation--i do thursday night oh holy holiness help me keep it together till then...

i'm tired of moveon.org in my mailbox
by anna nicole smith wherever she appears slurring
and cereal that gets soggy too fast in milk

i'm sick of scrapey-naked trees
of chapped lips
and doing laundry

i'm frustrated with
all the question marks in the air,
between my ears,
on the faces all day long

i want a backrub
and a weekend of NO worries
and a storyteller to show up at my house --
in costume.

maybe then i'd sleep well...

pttttttthhhht. nah, probably some kookoo dream would wake me up, laughing.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

what, i don't live in a vacuum?

ch-ch-changees.

what is it about cleaning up the messiest part of ourselves that invites newness, discovery, reflection, deep breathing?

i cleaned up my office/work room because i had been defiling it (ha, git it?) for waaaaaaaaaay too long. when i started tripping over shit on my way to the computer, i knew it was time. then, when i had to pick up crap that i inadvertently dumped on the floor b/c the piles of paper were teetering so percauriously, i knew it was time. oh, then when ellen would drag people into the room during parties, past the 'private' sign and through the tightly latched door -- people i'd have to go in with a headlamp and jaws of life to retract from the room if there was an accident inside -- i knew it was time.

but truly, i only cleaned it up when it became a matter of pride. when it became of matter of potentially losing an opportunity if i didn't clean, and potentially gaining an opportunity if i did clean. simple. what pushed me to clean was the fact that, in this case, i was standing at the cliffside of personal gain. maybe gain: clean. maybe not gain: don't clean.

i cleaned. a bit.

i never thought about it in these terms. vince always batters me with that one-- that i dojudge, that i value, that i do do things that make a personal difference in my actual life.

i am not a martyr, he tries to show me.

but i am stubborn. i am different. i am different, i insist.

and yeah, in some real significant ways i am different. but in this one, in the one that means i live according to the rules of 'what's best for me' hold. i even cleaned my office/work room b/c of it.

but, hey, i wanted to clean the room anyway. i was gonna clean the room anyway. it was only a matter of time, you see... .

Saturday, March 05, 2005

angels and geezers in america

i finally saw angles in america. last night. tonight it's a friend's dad's 70th surprise party. between the two, 11 blissful hours of sleep. i can't wait to do it again tonight. i'm gonna try for 11-1/2! actually, sadly, that is a dream. but i will be able to sneak in the healthy man's 8.

sometimes it's the little things.

heck, i guess usually it's the little things...

Friday, March 04, 2005

feelin spacy

i am not in a writer's space. i am in a weird inner-outer space. it's the lack of sleep. it the kind of space-y-ness that makes you want to cry not because you forgot christine's birthday, not because her passive/agressive sadness has put a crack in your armour, not because you're starting to look and feel sloppy from lack of painfully good exercise, not because you can't remember where you lost your gloves, your camera, your slippers or your tickets for tonight's play. but because when your body forces you to slow down, pushes your self into yourself, you can actually F E E L gravity. you feel the weight of weight. "the unbearable lightness of being," as a famous guy once famously said. it's feathery. it's fragile and a little shaky. it's sure of its unsureness. it's delicate heaviness.

it's heavy.

it's that kind of space.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

james frey

that is all.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

crashin hard

livin ain't for the weak...

Who Links Here
Free Web Page Hit Counter