what, i don't live in a vacuum?

ch-ch-changees.

what is it about cleaning up the messiest part of ourselves that invites newness, discovery, reflection, deep breathing?

i cleaned up my office/work room because i had been defiling it (ha, git it?) for waaaaaaaaaay too long. when i started tripping over shit on my way to the computer, i knew it was time. then, when i had to pick up crap that i inadvertently dumped on the floor b/c the piles of paper were teetering so percauriously, i knew it was time. oh, then when ellen would drag people into the room during parties, past the 'private' sign and through the tightly latched door -- people i'd have to go in with a headlamp and jaws of life to retract from the room if there was an accident inside -- i knew it was time.

but truly, i only cleaned it up when it became a matter of pride. when it became of matter of potentially losing an opportunity if i didn't clean, and potentially gaining an opportunity if i did clean. simple. what pushed me to clean was the fact that, in this case, i was standing at the cliffside of personal gain. maybe gain: clean. maybe not gain: don't clean.

i cleaned. a bit.

i never thought about it in these terms. vince always batters me with that one-- that i dojudge, that i value, that i do do things that make a personal difference in my actual life.

i am not a martyr, he tries to show me.

but i am stubborn. i am different. i am different, i insist.

and yeah, in some real significant ways i am different. but in this one, in the one that means i live according to the rules of 'what's best for me' hold. i even cleaned my office/work room b/c of it.

but, hey, i wanted to clean the room anyway. i was gonna clean the room anyway. it was only a matter of time, you see... .