yesness

my friend jay paints. and much more. we met the other night to talk about yesness, this little cafe show we're putting together. i'm all freaked out and excited. now i just gotta write something for it. anything. something. anything. but really i'm not ready. i'm nervous and ill-prepared. i'll be found out. because you know i'm a fraud. yeah sure i write--but doesn't everybody. i write hidden things on a near-hidden black page, on little ripped out sheets of paper and napkins that i probably will lose immediately oops. i just jot crib notes to prepare for my walk through the tunnel toward mom the light and the rest and the next... yeah sure i write if you mean that kind of writing. oh, you wanna see something i wrote? well...see...i... i actually do public relations, i'm just a student, a girl standing next to you, i'm just taking up space, you know? you really wanna see something i wrote? huh. wow. well, lemme see if i have something small or good or...w a i t j u s t a s e c o n d m i s t e r / s i s t e r .

why?

why do you want to see something i wrote? do you want to make fun of it? or me? next time. next time i'll show you something. i'll be stronger next time. i'll be better by then. i'll have something to say. i'm sure of it....

this is where jay comes in. jay's the one in the gaggle of parents at the regional match who's yelling, "YEAH THAT'S YOU, C'MON MEN, THAT'S YOURS, THAT'S YOU, GREAT SHOT, GET UP, GET IT, NICE TAKE, GO TO GOAL, THAT'S YOU YEAH YEAH YEAH!" you know, that guy. the one you'd like to medicate or be he's so infuriatingly encouraging. his crazy spirit just goes out out out. most days he sits around at the intersection of subdued and zany. lean ramrod straight, goofy flinging ends of hair, crinkling eyes, cackling laugh. and so. yesness. where what if slides into uh-huh. come to detroit in the spring to catch it. i'm doing it because jay asked me. i'm doing it because i should because it's what i want and because we all need that damn jay hanging out on the wrong side of the field yelling like an idiot to "C'MON C'MON YOU'RE NOT TIRED GET UP GET TO IT THAT'S YOU THAT'S YOU THAT'S YOU." it won't be a big deal, says jay almost like a coax. "we're just having fun." like sharing a smile. just for us. just...for...you.