taking things in hand

it's that time again: mfa application season

eesh

i'm 32
never been anybody but myself
so why why WHY don't i think ahead for things like this...things that are going to wig me right out--things that make me CRAZY with stress-preparation?
i know this
i know how i behave
i know how i think
>i think<
i know i will get the job done
but
)sigh(
it takes a toll
on my nerves

and my hands are freeeeeeeeeeeezing
maybe my damn doctor is right
with this reynauds (sp?) disease (syndrome?) talk

well, whatever happens
stemming from that which i have
or have not
quite
prepared for, i hope
one day to be, living, someplace warm
so that i can touch
my own skin with my own
hands
unafraid
and not shrink away

and i can, as murray jackson
once wrote,
"touch the bone of truth"
with my pen, my thoughts, my life

edward scissorhands has nuthin on me.