the joke, the poles
first, a joke:
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
L AWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean, Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "SHE going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, Polish Remover.'"
ain't it just like life? we're all sort of speaking the same language and still, the mix-up, the paranoia, the confusion. like we forget to take the lens cap off - everything is blacked out, so there we go ... alone in the dark (or worse, with a lawyer) prattling on about nothing. we believe our worst fears - that everything around us is ridiculous and strange, and worse, that we are ridiculous and strange (of course, we are) - and this ridiculousness and strangeness is evident to those around us (of course, it is).
we are struck with bubonic-plague... (or, in the case of our joke, divorce-court...) seriousness when it comes to ourselves.
and so we walk around wondering, what language ARE they, those, them over there speaking?
like tonight. i was at the "taste of royal oak" event in, well, royal oak, michigan. talk about poles: there was a doggie fashion show - yes, you heard right - onstage - by a joint called the uppity puppy. i am not making this up. see www.theuppitypuppy.com. this joint is a ... ready? ... "gourmet doggy bakery & boutique." apparently the first of its kind (can we get an "amen!"?) for the ... ready again? ... "pampered furry child or grandchild."
they even bake ... you want me to go on, don't you? ... "birthday cakes are decorated with a clown, balloons and a candle, with the furry child's name and age. extra clowns, balloons & candles available at extra cost."
well, duh.
i can't stop yet. the sick thing is ... here's where i get jealous. they make stuff using purified water, organic vegetable broth, michigan wild flower honey, and a bunch of other yummy crap. what is up with this?!
somebody here has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much disposable income and it ain't me.
then the event got really surreal - then again, i am polish, i could simply be reading waaaaaay too much into this... (i'm telling you i only had ONE plastic cupfull of wine). the fashion show really took off with noir leather's barely legal young face-pierced ones trying to wag tale in silly black hair and fetish fashion (although the plastic stretch elbow-length gloves were pretty sweet). they had about the same amount of choreography and fear in their eyes as the hot dogs who preceeded them.
0w-ow-ooooooooooooowwwwwwwch.
then a few more un-embarrassing (and therefore boring) retailers showcased their wares. at that point, the audience was so far into the joke, waiting for it all to kill us, we held our breath for the punch line....
our salvation came on time, at the end, with the dozen-or-so-member second ebenezer baptist choir of detroit. they cleaned up the smut-and-pup-riddled stage with a little "GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN...JESUS CHRIST IS BORN!" you know, with perfect timing, pitch and tempo. the perfect pauses, the e v e r i n c r e a s i n g c r e s c e n d o... the the "polish-remover."
thank god we live through the joke.
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
L AWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean, Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "SHE going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, Polish Remover.'"
ain't it just like life? we're all sort of speaking the same language and still, the mix-up, the paranoia, the confusion. like we forget to take the lens cap off - everything is blacked out, so there we go ... alone in the dark (or worse, with a lawyer) prattling on about nothing. we believe our worst fears - that everything around us is ridiculous and strange, and worse, that we are ridiculous and strange (of course, we are) - and this ridiculousness and strangeness is evident to those around us (of course, it is).
we are struck with bubonic-plague... (or, in the case of our joke, divorce-court...) seriousness when it comes to ourselves.
and so we walk around wondering, what language ARE they, those, them over there speaking?
like tonight. i was at the "taste of royal oak" event in, well, royal oak, michigan. talk about poles: there was a doggie fashion show - yes, you heard right - onstage - by a joint called the uppity puppy. i am not making this up. see www.theuppitypuppy.com. this joint is a ... ready? ... "gourmet doggy bakery & boutique." apparently the first of its kind (can we get an "amen!"?) for the ... ready again? ... "pampered furry child or grandchild."
they even bake ... you want me to go on, don't you? ... "birthday cakes are decorated with a clown, balloons and a candle, with the furry child's name and age. extra clowns, balloons & candles available at extra cost."
well, duh.
i can't stop yet. the sick thing is ... here's where i get jealous. they make stuff using purified water, organic vegetable broth, michigan wild flower honey, and a bunch of other yummy crap. what is up with this?!
somebody here has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much disposable income and it ain't me.
then the event got really surreal - then again, i am polish, i could simply be reading waaaaaay too much into this... (i'm telling you i only had ONE plastic cupfull of wine). the fashion show really took off with noir leather's barely legal young face-pierced ones trying to wag tale in silly black hair and fetish fashion (although the plastic stretch elbow-length gloves were pretty sweet). they had about the same amount of choreography and fear in their eyes as the hot dogs who preceeded them.
0w-ow-ooooooooooooowwwwwwwch.
then a few more un-embarrassing (and therefore boring) retailers showcased their wares. at that point, the audience was so far into the joke, waiting for it all to kill us, we held our breath for the punch line....
our salvation came on time, at the end, with the dozen-or-so-member second ebenezer baptist choir of detroit. they cleaned up the smut-and-pup-riddled stage with a little "GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN...JESUS CHRIST IS BORN!" you know, with perfect timing, pitch and tempo. the perfect pauses, the e v e r i n c r e a s i n g c r e s c e n d o... the the "polish-remover."
thank god we live through the joke.
posted by stacy muszynski at 3:54 AM
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